Let's see , typos typos here we go. I might update this more often now since I graduated my college, finally , and if that wasn't hell then surely i really don't wanna see the real one any time soon. I'm drawing more these days than i did in all my 22 years of existence, and that might be a good thing, if only they wouldn't end up in a drawer somewhere in my room. AAAnnnyway. I've met far more people than I thought i would and some were nice, some weren't, as usual. Reading back the comments i've received so far, i'm a bit bitter for not having enough brains to keep this far more updated, sorry, potential readers. Also, sorry for my typos, weird word order and being all over the place. I know at least the general direction i want to follow, career wise. It's gonna be a shitload of work and titanic effort but I will die trying. Worse things can happen so no big deal. My country is half under water since it's raining in biblical proportions and the people that lead my country do not give a shit. I think my family is doing more for one village than they are doing for all. Its a sad perspective, I love my country. I hate to think of all the old people, young people, animals, houses, lives- all destroyed. I feel helpless and little, I hate feeling little. I wish i could help all the old people that cannot afford medicine and care, i wish i could help all the children without parents. All the unwanted animals, the sick, the dying. I'd build all those houses myself if i weren't so damn little. I hate to see how powerful people have less and less humanity in them. Why? Humanity is our most important trait. The one that defines us , what we are, our nature. Yet, the more power people have, the less humane they are. When they could literally move mountains, no. Why do that? Better watch them all , eat some popcorn maybe, and put some bets how fast that child could drown and how soon that old lady would have a heart attack. These people make me feel like I belong to a different species.
Of all the books I've read so far, and I've read many, I doubt i've ever been as marked as i've been by "Torture the artist" of Joey Goebel. Vincent has haunted my dreams and his life has shocked me for days. It's only a book, you might say but to me it was another theory of what people -could- do if they wanted power and money. How some people see others as objects, how the 'objects' suffer and how nobody really, and i mean -really-, wins. Is it worth , in the end to quit humanity for power? does it make us happier,more accomplished, greater? How so? I think power helps if used correctly and with a limit. That limit disappears sooo so fast when rational thoughts are replaced with a single word: "Money". If so, then how are they better? And why?
Famous people intimidate me. A lot. they don't feel human anymore because some other people took the 'human' factor and replaced it with 'star'. Stars cannot be touched, they cannot be reached. Stars can blind you , burn you, kill you. They are not 'human' any longer, only an image, a mask, a calculated smile and half a wave. Perfect body and/or tolerated/appreciated defects. Yet- with normal people, same defects are criticized and frown upon. Why? Why in one case they're ok and in another, not any more? Daaaamnit, we are all humans. That shouldn't be a feature. That should not be considered a quality, like beauty or intelligence above average. That should be a given, regardless the person, their career and money. Human should not be something to be measured or proven, but something natural and undoubtedly clear. Why why why do we screw it up no matter what we do? why is being human the single most impossible thing for us? Why is it so god damned difficult to prove we are humans? damnit.
Sometimes, I wish i could move the mountains. Sometimes, I wish I was important too, to push the other important people to move those mountains with me. Sometimes, I even wish that I'd be so important that even my death would help people. I'd die to help beings in need. And even if hell existed, and i were to go in it, I wouldn't feel regrets. Other people would be happy and if i have to spend my existence with non humans, at least those ARE a different species.
And I go back in the cycle of questions with another Why, another What if.... I wish I knew at least when my life would end. So i can do the most for those around me. So i'd be aware of it. It happens only once in this form and I want to feel every damn minute of it. Also. If pain means you're alive, why is the constant torture in the so called 'hell' so feared? It's pain indeed, but... so is life? When we fear pain, do we actually fear the idea of 'living'? It's unpleasant, no doubt about it, but a body is ephemeral anyway.... my 'why' still stands. I'm confused, angry, frustrated ..... I'd sell my soul, if that thing worked in a theoretical scenario, if that meant getting my answers. It'd be worth it.