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Ophie [userpic]

Yay for the still alive me.

July 2nd, 2010 (11:00 pm)

Let's see , typos typos here we go. I might update this more often now since I graduated my college, finally , and if that wasn't hell then surely i really don't wanna see the real one any time soon. I'm drawing more these days than i did in all my 22 years of existence, and that might be a good thing, if only they wouldn't end up in a drawer somewhere in my room. AAAnnnyway. I've met far more people than I thought i would and some were nice, some weren't, as usual. Reading back the comments i've received so far, i'm a bit bitter for not having enough brains to keep this far more updated, sorry, potential readers. Also, sorry for my typos, weird word order and being all over the place. I know at least the general direction i want to follow, career wise. It's gonna be a shitload of work and titanic effort but I will die trying. Worse things can happen so no big deal. My country is half under water since it's raining in biblical proportions and the people that lead my country do not give a shit. I think my family is doing more for one village than they are doing for all. Its a sad perspective, I love my country. I hate to think of all the old people, young people, animals, houses, lives- all destroyed. I feel helpless and little, I hate feeling little. I wish i could help all the old people that cannot afford medicine and care, i wish i could help all the children without parents. All the unwanted animals, the sick, the dying. I'd build all those houses myself if i weren't so damn little. I hate to see how powerful people have less and less humanity in them. Why? Humanity is our most important trait. The one that defines us , what we are, our nature. Yet, the more power people have, the less humane they are. When they could literally move mountains, no. Why do that? Better watch them all , eat some popcorn maybe, and put some bets how fast that child could drown and how soon that old lady would have a heart attack. These people make me feel like I belong to a different species.

Of all the books I've read so far, and I've read many, I doubt i've ever been as marked as i've been by "Torture the artist" of Joey Goebel. Vincent has haunted my dreams and his life has shocked me for days. It's only a book, you might say but to me it was another theory of what people -could- do if they wanted power and money. How some people see others as objects, how the 'objects' suffer and how nobody really, and i mean -really-, wins. Is it worth , in the end to quit humanity for power? does it make us happier,more accomplished, greater? How so? I think power helps if used correctly and with a limit. That limit disappears sooo so fast when rational thoughts are replaced with a single word: "Money". If so, then how are they better? And why?

Famous people intimidate me. A lot. they don't feel human anymore because some other people took the 'human' factor and replaced it with 'star'. Stars cannot be touched, they cannot be reached. Stars can blind you , burn you, kill you. They are not 'human' any longer, only an image, a mask, a calculated smile and half a wave. Perfect body and/or tolerated/appreciated defects. Yet- with normal people, same defects are criticized and frown upon. Why? Why in one case they're ok and in another, not any more? Daaaamnit, we are all humans. That shouldn't be a feature. That should not be considered a quality, like beauty or intelligence above average. That should be a given, regardless the person, their career and money. Human should not be something to be measured or proven, but something natural and undoubtedly clear. Why why why do we screw it up no matter what we do? why is being human the single most impossible thing for us? Why is it so god damned difficult to prove we are humans? damnit.

Sometimes, I wish i could move the mountains. Sometimes, I wish I was important too, to push the other important people to move those mountains with me. Sometimes, I even wish that I'd be so important that even my death would help people. I'd die to help beings in need. And even if hell existed, and i were to go in it, I wouldn't feel regrets. Other people would be happy and if i have to spend my existence with non humans, at least those ARE a different species.

And I go back in the cycle of questions with another Why, another What if.... I wish I knew at least when my life would end. So i can do the most for those around me. So i'd be aware of it. It happens only once in this form and I want to feel every damn minute of it. Also. If pain means you're alive, why is the constant torture in the so called 'hell' so feared? It's pain indeed, but... so is life? When we fear pain, do we actually fear the idea of 'living'? It's unpleasant, no doubt about it, but a body is ephemeral anyway.... my 'why' still stands. I'm confused, angry, frustrated ..... I'd sell my soul, if that thing worked in a theoretical scenario, if that meant getting my answers. It'd be worth it.

Ophie [userpic]

Charrrlieee or How they stole my liver.

May 3rd, 2009 (08:50 pm)
current song: Noise.

There are many people dieing every day. Millions. Hundreds of them. And what do we learn from that? Nothing. We waste our time again, on trivial matters, when we could do something better with it. Maybe...I don't know, how about live it? And by that I don't mean something as stupid as party all night, drink all day, 24/7, no. Self distruction does not mean living. But we pay so little attention to everything around us. The trees, the leaves, the people, their emotions, their faces, happy faces, sad faces... animals, birds, insects... buildings, etcetera. All I can se around me is... a mass of shells. Nothing more, nothing ... god knows what I wanted to continue this here with as I've just found it unfinished...*insert philosophical bullshit of choice here*

AAAnnnyway, time for my bi-anual post (yes, time for me to say someting smart as I only writ here once in an era) *Inner voice screeches "Charlie, Charlie, Unicorns ftw<3*
One of the people I've met so far had told me something that I've probably misunderstood but what the heck. He said something along the lines of "If a tree falls in the forest, and you have a certain info about it, you are 100%sure it really happened, and yet you never hear it happening, you never see it and also, you never find the tree... can you say for sure it still happened?"
I'm sure the correlation makes no sense whatsoever and yet it made me think about hypocrisy. And lies. And about how, even if you know from a reliable source that certain shit really did happen,and yet everybody around you act like all's flowers and glory, you become unsure. And it pissed me off too much, because I've gone through that more than I like to admit, generally speaking and I never spoke to that guy again. He was an asshole anyway and yet... it's funny how humans can bend so easily after a few unshared opinions. I've seen people with high standards and morals and I've seen how they changed once insecurities formed in their mind.
Manipulation can be a weapon, but it can also be used against the manipulator. Fascinating shit, really.
I've read "やくざの月" a few days ago. Brilliant book. Simple written, simple plot, simple action, simple characters. It's an autobiography so I should actually say, simple people who's lives had been turned around by drugs, violence, money and the lack of them. It's about a person's fall, about human emotions in a crisis time and about redemption. Really, really cool. And about strong people with insecurities.
I like Hitomi Kanehara's style. I liked " 蛇にピアス" a lot. Her modified world is fascinating and yet repulsing at the same time, (And now I want a split tongue.Har har)
and it made me understand a bit more about that dark, hidden and not-so-proper part of Japan. I loved that too. It's really a country of extremes. Maybe too much so (笑)
However, I seriously disliked her "Auto Fiction". The idea was great but somehow, instead of one single character, it felt like they were 4 different fucked up chicks and it ruined the entire plot whatsoever. I do hope her next books won't be like it.
And totally unrelated, I've read an essay of some unknown Japanese writer about a girl really living her 'life' after death, and it describes her first experiences as being the ones during autopsy... interesting point of view, really. She had simple emotions, she was not suffering for her death nor mourning her loss and yet, her behavior was touching.
And I'll avoid reading all I've written so far because it probably makes no sense.

Anomalies. Another book that made me realize humans are not only what meets the eye. I am in the mood for book hunting now but I'm supposed to keep my money for that blasted tattoo. It looks like I have some disease now and all I can blame for it is my own stupidity, which is monumental ftw. Not comforting. Decisions, decisions.

Ahh. Release. Seriously, my air conditioning could take just SO much blabbering over nothing, the poor thing hates me to no end now. Banzai.

Ophie [userpic]

Stage, glamour and Rock'n'Roll

October 20th, 2008 (08:29 pm)

Posting once or twice a year is a really bad idea. I tend to forget some of the issues I've written about already and I have to re-read them myself from time to time. Quite stupid, don't you think? But then again, I never clamed I was too much of a genious...

AAnnnnyway. I wanted to talk about this thing that bothers me lately. Fans and their idols. I have my idols too and I admire people too, no doubt about it. Everyone does. But from admiring some person's music/films/photos/godknowswhatever... to jumping and screaming and doing like a madman to have their babies.... that's a totally different issue. Why? Well, maybe I am insane and old-fashioned (only in this matter, I assure you) but... how can someone possibly fall in love with a ...person is too much, (because we have a person(the fan) and a stage persona(an image) of another person involved)that they know absolutely zero things about?? I mean... why? what's the point of becoming so infatuated with a created personality? I don't blame the artist, for the sake of the perfect image and sales and fans, one may do whatever they wish, not my problem. But even that goes to hell once you are assaulted by tons and tons of useless fanmail filled with absurd declarations of feelings never felt... If there is one thing I admire in one of these 'celebrities' more than their jobs in their field of work is their patience. Patience to put up with stupidity and lack of privacy every day. And for that, no matter how horrible I consider their stuff, be it whatever, I'll always respect them at least for those two things.

The second issue is on a more personal note. Have you ever seen things around you that you know, because of your social education and common sense they can't be there? They souldn't be there. Have you ever thought someone was behind you or watched you and when you turnd to look at said person the only thing you saw was an empty road or room?
Have you ever felt touches when there's nobody around? And no, not that kind of touches but simple bumps and something like a brush of hands on one's shoulder, that kind of crap. Have you ever felt like all you wanted to do was pull your eyes out of your head and end it all? Me neither. Not the last part at least. They are fun. And probably normal. We are the abnormals. Because, if we were more tolerant, more imaginative and more...curious about all these, we'd probably know what the hell is going on around this planet. But we couldn't care less. We had it coming. So far, I find it rather... amusing. Or who knows, maybe I'm just one step closer to insanity. You?

Ophie [userpic]

Voco in Dubitum.

May 30th, 2008 (12:01 pm)

I haven't written anything in over a year. I believe that is quite depressing, rather, because I tend to forget my brilliant ideas in time. Yes, that is sarcasm. A sarcasm that will continue all over this entry. And for once I shall not analyze the topic of my phrases. I'm too bored for that.
So. What really pisses me off at this moment is as usual, people. And not just all people, but those who judge other people based on their taste in certain things. Like music, for example, since it's the most common and accessible subject. Yes, I like to discuss about music as well. Everybody does. What I hate is when people comment of how other people are "fake", because they don't listen the music according to what they pretend to be (as in trend, I suppose) or the opposite- how they don't act like the trend in which the music they listen to belongs. Wait. What? Why on earth should I destroy my braincells processing the connection between those two? What I dress like and what I listen to, me or another person, is STRICTLY MY problem and not yours.Who decides if I am 'fake' or not? What the hell is 'fake' in your assumption?? Who decides the norm between 'fake' and 'real'? I hate when this becomes a subject for an argument. And when people are judged because of that. And how the people in my country feel compelled to imitate the American types, in whatever matter. (I shall apologize to the eventual Americans that feel insulted, but that is true in my country. While I respect you, if you are worth it, I live here , not in USFUCKINGA and I feel damn proud of it. Do try to understand my dismay when I see that my country is 'moving' into yours ) Ok, that is one aspect that pisses me off royally (yes, I'm a very pissed off person in general) - people who feel that it's their duty to point out that I do not dress according to what I listen. Keep it to yourself, it's not like I care anyway.

Secondly, I dislike it when people think that trivial things are far more important than the long term ones. I am in college. I am supposed to learn foreign languages and get deeper in my own. To get there, I had to learn for about 12 fucking years how to do the basic things like reading, writing and get an acceptable IQ by accumulating a vast amount of knowledge. Ok. So far so good. I am proud to pretend I'm smart. No, really, I am. And then I'm stuck. After 12 years of continuous studying, my classmates, that should be at least as smart as I am can't write in their own language. Why? Why do I have to sit about 8 hours a day in a class with such incompetent people? Because I have nothing better to do, that is for sure. And while it's rather amusing to listen to all those inane conversations, I feel old. All of them are about jealous/not jealous enough/ugly/aggressive/ignoring/whatever girlfriends/boyfriends, money they have or not, shopping, parents, repeat. It's like one of those old records that keep repeating the same boring song over, and over, and over, and fucking over again. Last I remember, college, and school in general meant education, cultivation and knowledge. You know, learning stuff so people won't be able to say about you that you ARE IN FACT AN IDIOT? If we transformed our main purpose into having the perfect boyfriend, enough money to do a shitload of shopping and having the good parents that let us do whatever we want.... I find it sad that things like reading a book ,watching some documentary about something useful -science, literature, you know, those things nobody cares about now; doing something to challenge our braincells is not amongst those priorities. Why? Because we like to fuck like rabbits and have the same IQ as them. Why? Because who needs culture, anyway. It's not like anybody cares about who DaVinci, Einstein, Caesar, Botticelli, Thales, Newton and all those old geezers were anyway, or what they did. No, I mean, I know who Britney is, right? And Madonna, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Why would I need to know more? Why? SO YOU WON'T BE A FUCKING IMBECILE, THAT IS WHY. Real people,(I am aware that is a exaggeration but hell - for the sake of my ranting) DO NOT CARE of second hand celebrities. Yeah, of course, I do respect them for what they do in their line of work. But they are not worth that much attention. Let's forget about that for a minute, ok? Let's forget who married who, how much money they have and what movie they filmed and where. Ok? Let's read a book, two, three, more. Let's do something useful so that when we die, our sum of knowledge won't be based on the trivial things like sex, money and repeat. Why? Because it's better that way. We could be proud of what we'd been that way. We could be proud we've been so much better than others. For ourselves. No? Of course not. Now please excuse me, I shall put a stop here. There is a show about Demi Moore and I can't miss it.

And cheers for those who had read more than a book during their short lives and it was not a manual for the latest cellphone or Ipod. Read another one.

Ophie [userpic]

...

February 12th, 2007 (04:42 pm)

I feel so sick and tired...Tired of people. People that seem to believe they are the center of the universe, and everybody else must think about them 24/7. There are 6 1/2 billion people in the entire world. One person dies at every 2-3 minutes if not faster due to starvation/diseases/accidents/aging. And there are some people that seem to believe that they are better. I wish they told me why they are better, or how, because hell if I can see it. Indeed, we all believe that we are somewhat important, and it's only human to want to mean something for the others. No problem with that. But. BUT. If something happens to us, nothing major, or extra important will happen. Some people *around 200 , at a maximum* will be affected, but the world won't stop moving, people will not stop evolving and the Apocalypse will not come *yet* . I wish people realized they are nothing but tiny pieces in a HUGE puzzle, so tiny that if one or two will be missing, the big picture will not be affected. We demand the respect and attention from the others, but we never give attention and respect to ourselves, before anyone else. How stupid is that?
We act all cool and mighty, and at the first problem, we run and hide. Then why are we better? What is the reason to demand attention? Why should we be treated better if we are nothing but cowards when we look into a mirror?
I've read a book about demons, a few days ago. Many types, races, species, names, whatnot. Of what we suppose that exists around us. We suppose. And we are right. There are demons. Soooo many. But they are not red, with tails and weird wings, or black or blue, whatever. They do not throw flames through their nostrils, and they don't turn into bats or wolves.They do not bite virgins to drink their blood and don't fly in the dead of night.No.They are here. In us. In each and everyone of us. Some are stronger, some are not. We hear them, when we defy others, when we hurt them, when we hurt ourselves. We fight them , at the beginning, until we realize we actually like to hurt people. We enjoy their pain, we have fun.And we stop fighting that inner voice. We accept it, we listen to it. So we become the demons we fear so much. We become the demons we hate so much. Why do we hate them? Because they remind us of what we are. They are a mirror , that instead of beauty it shows us putrid flesh. We are hypocrites. Big time.
But after all...it's only human...

Ophie [userpic]

I swear I'm going to die young...

February 9th, 2007 (01:37 pm)
current mood: confused

Sometimes I sit back and start thinking...I'm not sure it is good, or bad.(I tend to think it's the latter, but never mind, for now)
I realize that all the things that mark our existence, all the little, tiny details that mark our lives are ...not important. Trivial things like money, a guy, a girl, friends, jobs, whatever, you name it. They are not important. But we tend to give them so much attention, and, eventually, they're trapping us in a boring life. We ignore the most important detail, which is knowledge. I know that when we die, we die alone, no matter what people say. Yes, there might be some around us in that moment, but, in the end, WE die, not them. That means us, alone. We can't take our friends with us, our money, clothes, computers, etc with us. But some say, we do take the things we've learned during our lives. I'm not sure about it. Nobody is sure about it. It's all pure speculation, just as religions, the idea of heaven/hell, nirvana, valhalla, you name it.BUT. It might be a possibility. And, if we give so much importance to the material details, we go as we came. Stupid. Naked. And we shall start it all over again, from zero. I don't want that. I want to know. And so, I realize I'm stupid. Very. And I hate it.
A few days ago, I've read a quote. It haunts me, day and night, and it made me question many aspects of my life. "A bad thing", you'll say. I agree.
"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves"~ Bill Hicks
I have no idea who Bill Hicks is. But what he said is a piece of pure genius. Indeed, people say we are simple energy, condensed in a material form. But what if we are dreaming it all? If this, our life is a dream, what are we, in the first place? If we dream all this, where will we go when we wake up? Will we get into another dream? If life is a dream, what is the state when we are awake? If we are imagining ourselves like this, what made us do it in the first place? What happens to all heaven/hell idea if, when we wake up we just enter into another dream? Are we damned to get it over again? Wake up into another dream, and so on? Then how do we know it's all a dream? If we never experience the awakening, ever?
Someone said, not too long ago, that we never realize when we die, because it is simply a never ending dream. If so, then what is life, in the first place? If now we are dreaming, aren't we dead? And if we are dead, and dreaming, how can we say we are alive?
All these questions...and so many more, and so little answers...I want answers. I want knowledge. But...how?
People in clinical death say they've seen a light, and visited the two realms called heaven, and hell. Doctors say it's only a chemical reaction in the brain, resulted from the temporary lack of oxygen.How do they know? How do we know? Will we ever know what is there? Out there? What about other life forms outside our galaxy? We must be arrogant and selfish to deny the possibility of existence of other life forms outside our planet. It's simply stupid. Or so I find it. I'm confused...I'm searching for answers, and all I get is more questions...
So many questions...

Ophie [userpic]

(no subject)

February 8th, 2007 (09:34 pm)

I'm bored ~

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